Thursday, 30 January 2014

#TimeToTalk - My Turn

Yesterday I had my first meeting with the counselling services. I wasn't scared or worried (which makes a change!). I thought I'd just turn up, tell them what was wrong, and they'd get me some treatment sorted.

I got there after getting lost in the pouring rain. I was soaked and running late, and knowing the NHS, if I wasn't on time, I was worried that I'd lose my appointment. So that's when I started to worry. When I finally found it, it was the scariest building you'd ever seen. It was a big old Victorian mansion. It looked like your typical 'mental asylum'. The interior was equally terrifying, I could almost hear the screams of ghosts of patients receiving their electric shocks. Obviously they can't help where they're put, but it looked just like the place where Mr Rochester's wife out of Jane Eyre would have been imprisoned. Scary. But I can't blame them for that.

Luckily, although I was late I was still able to have my full hour long consultation. The woman was really nice, although loads younger than I expected. She only looked a couple of years older than me. I felt a bit embarrassed.

She gave me the questionaire to fill out. I was answering like really honestly, and at the anxiety part I was circling the highest number on every question. I didn't realise how overpowering the anxiousness was. She then gave me another questionnaire, specifically on anxiety, and that was equally bias.

She started by asking probably the broadest question ever: 'What's bought you here today?'

Where was I supposed to begin? There was so much to say. So I just started with what took me to the doctors. And then it just all spilled out. I even lost my train of thought at one point because there was just so much to say. I think I began every sentence with 'I worry...'

In the hour I was in there, I feel like I only talked about the tip of the iceberg. I never realised how vast the topic was. I keep thinking of things I forgot to mention. Like things I consider to be big. But they just got lost in my universe of troubles.

The lady said that she would contact me in the next couple of weeks to talk to me about what treatment she recommends. She said the waiting list could be up to 8 weeks long. Its already been 9 weeks since I first went to my GP.

She said would that it sounds like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be best for me. She recommended me going to a group, where other sufferers of anxiety go through the treatment together. Of course I still have the option of talking one on one with my therapist, but apparently it's more long term if you go with the group, which I think is what I need. Long term help. But I don't know if I can sit in a group of people and tell them about everything. I know that may sound stupid to you as you are reading this on a public blog, but actually speaking in front of people... I don't know what to do. What should I do? I'm so nervous.

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