I have a great life. I have great parents and an amazing boyfriend. I have a job. We all know just having a job is good in society today. None of my family have died, nothing's gone hugely wrong. What makes me depressed is me. I hate myself. I regret everything I say. I cannot dare to read back over a blog post because I cringe. I cringe at word choices and I cringe at things I've covered. Why did I write that?
I couldn't even read back over the questionnaire that the GP gave me when trying to diagnose me.
Quite simply, I hate myself. I hate the person that I am. I wish I was somebody else sometimes. I particularly get down about my writing; I wish I could write funnier, or more poetically or come up with more creative ideas. I even regret simple things like tweets.
I cannot accept who I am.
Since putting on weight too, I have got really down. I used to be really active, but since I got injured playing rugby, I haven't been able to exercise too much because my foot aches so much. And then I got fatter and more unfit, and now I find it hard to just run. All those years of training have gone to pot. It will take me ages to get my fitness back up, and get me looking as good as I used to. Until then, I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror.
And I know I have a lot to be happy about, and I'm sorry if I'm being an idiot or over the top. I know I should count my blessings yada yada yada, but I can't. Physically. There's a worm in my brain that puts these thoughts there, and although logic says everything's fine, the worm doesn't let me think anything but those negative thoughts.
So yeah, that's what I have to be depressed about. Nothing.