Tuesday, 17 December 2013

What Have You Got To Be Depressed About?



I have a great life. I have great parents and an amazing boyfriend. I have a job. We all know just having a job is good in society today. None of my family have died, nothing's gone hugely wrong. What makes me depressed is me. I hate myself. I regret everything I say. I cannot dare to read back over a blog post because I cringe. I cringe at word choices and I cringe at things I've covered. Why did I write that?

I couldn't even read back over the questionnaire that the GP gave me when trying to diagnose me.

Quite simply, I hate myself. I hate the person that I am. I wish I was somebody else sometimes. I particularly get down about my writing; I wish I could write funnier, or more poetically or come up with more creative ideas. I even regret simple things like tweets.

I cannot accept who I am.

Since putting on weight too, I have got really down. I used to be really active, but since I got injured playing rugby, I haven't been able to exercise too much because my foot aches so much. And then I got fatter and more unfit, and now I find it hard to just run. All those years of training have gone to pot. It will take me ages to get my fitness back up, and get me looking as good as I used to. Until then, I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror.

And I know I have a lot to be happy about, and I'm sorry if I'm being an idiot or over the top. I know I should count my blessings yada yada yada, but I can't. Physically. There's a worm in my brain that puts these thoughts there, and although logic says everything's fine, the worm doesn't let me think anything but those negative thoughts.

So yeah, that's what I have to be depressed about. Nothing.


3 comments:

  1. Self hatred is the cause of all evil! A lot of depressed people spend so much time wondering why these thoughts are there and who put them there. But for me they're massive red herrings. The thoughts are not yours. So you have to disregard them. Not always that simple but it helps me when I'm feeling down to think of depression thus. You have two voices. One is the obnoxious, loudmouth that tells you you're worthless, useless and every other self hatred word in the book. The other is the quiet rational voice that tells you what you really are! But we tend to listen to the first one. Why? Who cares? We just need to start banishing the first voice because it's not our thoughts. They are thoughts put there from past experience, past issues and from our influences. They are not real.

    To beat this, we have to ignore these voices. The question to ask yourself is quite simple. Would your good friends, even if you asked to them to be totally honest, give you this much of a hard time? The answer is no. So why do we do it to ourselves?

    Keep fighting cos you're not worthless and you're not alone!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot for your comment. I'm trying so hard to banish the voices, by the little buggers are really wedged in there! I'm starting counselling in the new year so hopefully they'll get a little more unwedged!

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    2. I've always found that depression comes in waves and I have to try to focus forward a bit knowing that it does pass ... but its a bugger ... try to remember to be kind to yourself though x

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