Monday, 23 December 2013

All I Want For Christmas Is.... To Want Something

As I have become more depressed, I feel as though I have become more philosophical. I question 'What is the point?' all the time. I don't know what it is that I want. I think about it all the time.

When I'm in a shop, I think about what I want to buy. Maybe I've gone in there to buy something in particular, a chocolate bar or a book. Maybe I'm just browsing. Either way there's nothing I want. Even if I'm in there because I need something, like a quick snack to keep me going, I always avoid buying anything. I really question the point and necessity of what I'm buying, the cost, the implications of buying, the effort involved (how long the queue is). Normally I don't get whatever I went in for. There's just nothing I want enough.

Ok so maybe I'm not materialistic. It saves me money so there's nothing to worry about. That's normal.

I don't want to party. I never really go out anymore, because I don't see the point. I'll spend at least £20 on alcohol, which will only make me feel awful in the morning, a good £20 on getting home... what has that accomplished? Usually the music is too loud to be able to speak to my friends, and its usually its either too crowded or too empty to enjoy. This list could go on....

Ok, so maybe going out is not for me. It used to be. I used to love it. I must have outgrown it. That's normal.

I don't want children. Yeah I am a bit young for it yet, but I think that the only reason I'd have a family is for purely selfish reasons. The world is overcrowded and there's a lack of jobs and food and homes. I don't think I'd ever earn enough money to support a family. What would be the point in bringing another child into it?

Ok, so maybe that's not for me either (yet). That's normal.

I don't know what I want to do. I've never known what I want to be when I grow up really. I've played around with ideas, but nothing has ever caught my attention for long enough. My job at the moment is ok, but do I really want to do this til I'm 70? (yeah, 70. Thanks to David Cameron for that one!) I struggle to get out of bed for it now. I couldn't cope with just 'living for the weekend' for the rest of my life.

What is for me? What do I want? It's not normal not to want anything!! 

What scares me is that I'm just not going to care anymore. I'm not going to want to want. I'm going to give up altogether. I feel that soon I'm not going to get out of bed. The only reason I do at the moment is because of routine. How long can routine last?

I'm sorry to be so awfully depressing right before Christmas. I hope all my readers have a wonderful, happy and relaxing few days. Merry Christmas x

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